your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
last night I used snow as a chaser
I came so hard my ears popped.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
