She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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