If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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