Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Randomize
