he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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