Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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