Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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