she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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