Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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