Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
