can we get nightvision for the apartment?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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