I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
