guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
