cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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