it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
