my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
