well I can't set my house on fire every night
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
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