help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
