Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
My feet surprised me
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
