I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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