Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Randomize
