I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
