Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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