I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
