shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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