she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
