can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
