When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
