Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
i just sent this text using only my big toe
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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