You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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