why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
So much rum. So many feels.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
