How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
