My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
