he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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