I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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