Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
