woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
