I like to think it a success when the cops are called
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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