new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
