Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
