Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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