How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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