We won't sleep together?
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
