Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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