i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize