You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize