he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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