dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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