my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Randomize
