I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
The uberlube is also flammable
You are the jesus of drinking
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
