You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
