I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
