Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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