can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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