Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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