I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
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