did you get engaged???
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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