i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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