Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
