apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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