I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
