That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Randomize
