drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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