Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
