After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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