DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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